So. Here goes. This is my angry post, but for those light at heart, there is a sweet happy one coming after this. Not to worry.
It's been on my mind lately that capitalism has stolen a few of my friends. Yes. That greedy bastard has won over a few of my not so rich friends with a short day trip that they couldn't otherwise afford, or a nice vegetarian meal out. This is my story about her, and for the sake of anonymity, we will leave her name as Capitalism, and go from there.
Once upon a time, I too was captured by her wiles, which she promised were strictly friendly, and even though I knew better, I still believed her. She came up with wonderful ways to treat me to dinners, movies, plays, trips... without ever wanting a dime. May I add that she was considerably older than me, which made these treats feel somewhat alright to accept. I assumed her age and her position at our work made her more honest, sane, and sure of herself. And when your boss shows this much interest in you, it also indiscreetly means (or it did to me) that your time and hard work is being valued.
I did know better. Nothing comes for free, even if it's promised. Let's face it, it's a flat out lie giving people gifts all the time and expecting nothing in return. It is absolutely a human quality to need something back, even if that something is intangible. For example, needing love back. Acceptance. Though I don't really believe she thought these things as she bought me, or even would admit to them now...
Anywho, I was bought. I whored myself out for a feeling that she cared so much for me that she was willing to do all these wonderful things for me. I felt so special.
She was in love with me.
Gradually the demands started to rise. I had to text her a certain amount and in a certain way for her to feel like I cared. I had to hug her or it meant I was angry with her. And I started to back away. And the manipulation started.
Things went awry very fast. She hurt me with her obsessive behavior, saying nasty things to me because she was angry that I was pulling away. But let's face it, by this point she was always desperate and angry that I wouldn't meet her demands. The obsession became so harmful that I had to switch jobs.
The Buddhist, or really just the adult in me, didn't want to involve my friends that knew her because it's not fair to vent to them to make myself feel better, especially when they still work with her. But it backfired. She came in hard and fast as I sat in the back trusting that keeping calm and quiet about it all would serve me better in the end.
Capitalism created a quick drama for those friends that I loved, and along with promises for adventure, fun trips and dinners that are 'free' (now that I am no longer there to occupy that spot), they have found that they too are special and loved by her, and I am kicking myself for falling for it, and wanting to cry at the loss I feel without them. And maybe the loss I feel because what they knew about me for two years became disfigured for just a few free drinks. And the loss I feel that any friend of mine that was able to make up their mind about me so crassly after knowing me for that long, without even talking to me about it. And that friends that way weren't good friends to begin with. Ouch. It's been aching.
This is my wound for the day. Actually it's been on my mind for a while. I can handle the loss of her. But it's been harder to swallow the loss of the others. I think I learned my lesson. And, coincidentally, I've been reading Tana French's The Likeness, which covered a ton of my thoughts on actual capitalism, which could be an entirely different post. There is no brevity when it comes to this topic. And for an amazing read, you should dig into some of her books. They are beautifully written and glorious, thrilling little escapes from real life. And on that note, from her character Daniel in The Likeness and ending this lovely little chat, "Take what you want and pay for it, says God."
And on an aside, I don't think silence equals the best way. I think honesty does. The End.
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